Fatty McFatterson

Well, I've got about 30 pounds I need to lose. I delusionally (yes, I know that's not a word) call it "baby weight," although I've been overweight since age 0 and Norah is 3 years old, and at some point, baby weight is just fat.

So, I started MyFitnessPal.com, and I have to say, I love it. I've lost 5 pounds in 15 days. And I also know this blog doesn't usually promote products, but I'm going to. You've been warned.

MyFitnessPal.com is, at its most basic, an online calorie counter. But it's much more sophisticated than that, while remaining user-friendly. Here's how you do it.

1. Register and create a password and profile. A profile is optional.

2. Enter your weight and your goal weight. It will set a daily caloric intake just for you.

3. Enter what you eat into your food journal. Every bite. This is where it's super easy-- if I type "Fiber Plus Eggos" into the search field, I can find that product, click "add," and the calories, fat, carbs, and protein automatically are entered. So easy!

4. Enter in exercise, if you actually exercise. Apparently, exercising is good and what normal, healthy people do. I plan to try that someday soon.

5. When you're done for the day, click "Complete" and it will tell you, "If every day were like today, in 5 weeks you'd weigh ____." That is motivational.

6. Weigh in whenever you want and record it. You get a nifty chart to look at. You want your line to go down. The downward pointing line is a happy line.

Other sweet things about MyFitnessPal:

• It's similar to Weight Watchers online, but their food database is more comprehensive (as far as I can tell), and it's... wait for it... FREE! 
• They have a community area and you can check out people's success stories, or just chat about nutrition and health and all that jazz.
• They have an app, and it's easy and free.

I'll check in occasionally and report my successes or failures. So far, so good. Fat mom, no more!

It's Story Time: Goofus and Gallant

Gallant confesses to taking a dollar from his mother's purse.

Goofus fibs to his mother about the missing dollar from her purse.

25 years later...

Beloved children's characters who should die Part II

Joe: The new Steve from Blue's Clues

Now, I know he's a real person, and I don't want a real person to actually die. But his character can. This is why: First of all, his real name is Donovan. Why call him Joe? It makes no sense. Steve's character's name was Steve. If it needed to be one syllable for some reason, why not Don? Also, when Steve went to college, my daughter cried, and when Joe came to live with Blue, it was never the same, and I heard "Why did Steve go to college?" and a tearful "Am I going to college?" ever day since. Thanks for making college the old "Spot went to live on a farm" tactic. Am I overly invested in this show? Perhaps.





All Wonder Pets

The animation is creepy, the rhyming is atrocious, and I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I can't stand that smug little know-it-all guinea pig, the sass-mouthed duck, and that pussy turtle. What kind of turtle wears water shoes? Come on. And don't get me started on that hat.




Brainy Smurf

I hate Brainy Smurf. Because he's smart? No. Because the only character that seems to be dedicated to knowledge and education, save Papa Smurf, is touted as a huge pain in the ass. He's whiny, tattle-taley, and a total jerkface. I'd throw is blue ass out into the forest, too.







Thomas the Train, and all his little train frenemies 

I know there's a loyal fan base of Thomas, so I probably won't win anyone's hearts with this one, but those trains are completely dysfunctional. They are supposedly friends, but treat each other like shit constantly. Jealousy, snarking, making fun of each other... they never learn. Well, they learn at the end of each episode, but then go back to being douchebags. Sir Topemhat needs to lay down the law. Also, those train whistles are the same frequency as my brain, and when I hear them, my ears bleed.

Share Bear

This is the shittiest Care Bear ever. Her power is shooting lollipops out of her stomach patch. Oh, that'll stop Dark Heart.





Read Beloved children's characters who should die Part 1

It's Story Time: Little Miss Selective Hearing

My Dad

My dad had a heart attack on Saturday. Luckily, my sister and mother were on the scene and rushed him to the ER immediately after realizing what was happening. Because of their fast thinking and action, they saved my dad's life.

And because they got to the hospital so quickly, there was little to no permanent damage to his heart. He's already home and feeling good.

But it was damn scary.

And it made me realize how much I take my dad for granted. So, this is for you, Dad.

Handing me the church program and a pen so I can scribble quietly, using a hymn book as a hard surface.
Catching me as Gypsy bucked me off her silver back.
Building a treehouse and letting me paint it sea foam green.
Reading The Tall Book of Nursery Rhymes.
Sledding in the summer.
Walking on a nearly flooded road, looking back at Mom, sitting on the hood of our white Pontiac.
Catching white, bloated catfish from the river in Granite Falls.
Blaring Harry Belafonte so loudly, I could hear it two blocks away on my purple unicorn bike.
Letting me have all the change in his pocket for candy. So much change, I can't hold it all.
Making me believe in magic.
Letting me hide in the carpet displays at the lumber yard.
Apologizing for teasing me about a boy.
Digging rivers and channels in the gravel driveway to drain the puddles after the snow melted.
Letting us roller skate in the basement.
Driving to Crazy Horse and getting pissed that it was a rip-off.
Reading the Chronicles of Narnia.
Showing me how to hit a bank shot nearly every time.
Taking us to the used book store in Cross Lake on rainy days.
Breakfast for dinner.
My piano being delivered.
Playing Super Mario Brothers.
My black and white checkered bedroom walls.
Driving an hour to school and work there and an hour back; AM there, FM back.
Bazooka Joe bubblegum.
Sitting with me in the lobby of my dorm.
Taking Ryan shopping to buy dress clothes for our wedding.
Trusting me to draw for the Wood Mill printed materials.
Having to leave the room when we gave him the scrapbooks that held all of our photos since forever.
Telling me to never kiss ass.
Building a crib for my daughter.
Telling me to sleep while he watched Norah. Listening to him talk to her while I'm laying in bed.
Telling his coworkers about my book. Being proud of me.
Taking Norah and me to the farmer's market.
Driving to the mill in Annandale.
Reading Norah stories on Halloween.
Looking right at me in the hospital, and me knowing he was going to be okay.

It's Story Time: On the Night You Were Born

New Year's Eve: Toddlers vs. Drunks

Both overestimate their Wii skills.

Both lose the ability to share with friends.

Both are blissfully unaware.

Both release inexplicable emotional outbursts.

Both are not ready to go home.

Both pass out around 9:30.

Christmas Recap

Hello, all! I've been on vacation. Now I'm back to the grind, which means I can relax a tad. At least enjoy some quiet in between hearing my own voice repeatedly (I create software training tutorials.)

Anyway. Here are some Christmas highlights.

Norah's Christmas Concert
Mind-blowingly adorable.

Mongo
We had to take down the beautiful tree, and put up the ugly fiber optic tree we've had since college, which was a hand-me-down from Ryan's mom. Apparently Mongo eats glass light bulbs. And while he made Ugly Tree more ugly and misshapen, due to his climbing and biting, he only knocked it down four or five times. We bought cheap-o shatter-proof ornaments and didn't put any sentimental ones up at all. Which was a smart move, being that he'd systematically take down each bulb, carry it in his mouth by the string, and hide it somewhere in the house, only to eat the metal thingy on top of it that holds the string to hang it up. He's got an iron stomach, so it seems, and possibly is not long for this world.

Presents
Norah got a mountain of gifts from my family. When she saw all the wrapped gifts piled up for her, she literally started shaking. She screamed, "They're all mine!"

MIL Bingo
I did not get blackout, nor did I even get bingo. It was a pretty nice holiday, and now I feel like a douchebag for expecting the worst. I have been putting in more of an effort to mend our relationship as of late, and I think it's really been beneficial. So, hooray for family peace! Boo for funny blog fodder.

Christmas Bummer
My aunt has joined us for Christmas every year since I can remember and couldn't this year. She was missed.

Christmas Loser
We didn't have any weird or horrible gifts. Not a one! A Christmas miracle. But I'll take this opportunity to revisit some losers of the past: Ryan's soap-on-a-rope. A box of used travel magazines. A giant picture of cats. Ah, good times.

Christmas Winner
The most-played-with award goes to Frontier Logs, Menard's (our Midwestern home improvement center) answer to Lincoln Logs. We actually bought another set so Norah could create a vacation ranch for her Zhu Zhu pets.