Tuesday, May 24, 2011

We Went Camping Again

Well, we went camping again, shrugging off warnings of bad weather and apocalypse. And luckily we didn't hit tornados this time. It was actually pretty fun and drama-free. Here are some highlights:

We went with our couple friends and their daughter who is a month older than Norah, so the girls had a blast together. A few tears when negotiating sharing of toys and buckets and the lot (mostly on Norah's part), but the majority of time was spent having fun.

I had just started the South Beach Diet a week prior (smart timing, huh?) and ate un-fun food the whole time, while resisting delicious camping food favorites, like Sara's campfire pizzas and beer. But I'm down 10 pounds so far and will cease complaining.

The menfolk found two turtles for the girls to be awed by. They deemed one Mommy Turtle and the other Tuck. Damn you, WonderPets.

Sara's husband bought kites for the girls and they were a huge hit. It reminded me that I tend to underestimate Norah's skill level at times. I still think of her as an infant most of the time. But to see her running down the dirt road near our cabins, excitedly looking over her shoulder to see if the kite was in flight, was an awesome reminder and a great memory.

Yes, we had cabins. No, it's not "real" camping, then. My husband agrees with you. But guess what? They're cheap, clean, they have heat, room to play when it's raining, and beds. So, suck it.

There were clear skies above us one night, but a crazy lightening storm on the horizon that Ryan and Norah oohed and ahhed over.

I now have an irrational fear of going to the outhouse by myself in the dark, thanks to Sara. I will always think there's a psycho murderer in there waiting for me.

Good trip! I may be won over by camping with toddlers yet!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Two Conversations I'd Like to Stop Having

Topic: Getting dressed in the morning
Participants: Norah and Heather
Frequency: Every day

Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: No.
Me: Want to help Mommy pick out your clothes?
N: No.
Me: Okay.
Get clothes.
N: I stay hoooome. Don't wanna goooo!
Me: Come here, Baby. Let's get dressed.
N: No.
Wrestle pjs off.
N: I want naked.
Starts to dance.
Me: You can't go to [Nana's, Grammy's, or school] naked.
Me: No-no, Honey.
N: Whimper
Me: Oh, come on, Sweet Angel, it's okay. Does Mommy leave the house naked?
N: Whimper No.
Me: So, should Norah leave the house naked?
Wrestle clothes on.
N: I don't like this!
Me: But it's your [bumpy heart shirt, parrot shirt, pretty dress, etc]. You like it.
Me: Let's get your shoes on, Monkey Butt.
N: Falls apart. NO SHOES. Tears.
Hugs. Kisses. 
Me: It's okay, Baby. Let Mommy put your shoes on.
Shoes on. 
Norah runs to the door, all smiles.
N: Come on, Momma! Let's go!

Topic: Snoring
Participants: Ryan and Heather
Frequency: Nearly every night

I wake up. 
Gently nudge Ryan.
Me: Ryan.
Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Snaps irritatedly What?!
Me: Could you roll over?
Ryan: Why? Still irritated. 
Me: You're snoring.
Ryan: Oh. Sorry.
Rolls over.
Me: Thanks. 
Ryan: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wondering if there's anything near me to stab him with. 

How I'd like these conversations to go:

Getting Dressed

Me: Noonie! Time to get dressed!
N: Hooray!


Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: I'm already dressed, Mommy. Daddy dressed me.


Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: I'm already dressed, Mommy. Our nanny dressed me and gave me breakfast already. Go back to sleep.


Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Oh, was I snoring again? I'm sorry. I'll roll over.

Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Snaps irritatedly What?!
Me: What the fuck do you think?! It's the same goddamn situation every goddamn night! Stop the damn snoring or I'll cut you.

Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Oh, was I snoring again? Maybe we should take our million dollar lottery winnings and buy a bigger house so that we can have separate bedrooms. I bet you could use a jetted tub in yours.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Learning Words

I drill please and thank you into my child a million times a day. Yet I still hear "Take my shoes off!" and "I want chocolate milk!" But I say one word ONE time, and she locks on like a pit bull.

Science Museum

We are nearing the end of the King Tut exhibit, and after looking at ancient relics and learning how they were discovered and what the relics were used for, we ended up in a horribly tacky gift shop filled with glittery Sphinx hats, pyramid-shaped suckers, and sarcophagus-shaped pencil boxes. There were a bunch of people crammed in there, looking at their Egyptian treasures, and Norah decides to announce to everyone, while grabbing both my breasts, "My Mommy has BOOBIES." Thank you for the alert.


We were shopping for a baby gift in Macy's, and it happened to be prom night for some local high schools. There were prom couples everywhere. On a side note, had my prom date taken me to the mall before prom, I probably would have kicked him in the groin. Anyway, a girl and her date were walking down the aisle at Macy's, toward the exit. The girl had a tangerine-colored, strapless dress with a jeweled bodice. Norah burst out of a clothing rack and shouted, "Oooooooo! Look at her BOOBIES!" The girl gasped, "Oh my God!" and her date doubled over with laughter. I apologized and carried my awed little girl back to the cashier.


We were innocently playing Whack-a-Mole, when Norah grabbed the plastic bag for the toy and wrapped it around her chest. "I have BOOBIES!" she declared, dancing, while my mother looked on in horror. "It's a swim top, Norah. Can you say swim top?" She repeated and continued to dance around in her boobies.

She had also told the entire locker room at swim class that I had boobies, and has told Ryan he does not have boobies. It's clearly time to nip this in the bud, but no matter how I correct, it's lost on her. I guess I'll just wait for the note to come home from her Catholic daycare. Great.

Friday, May 6, 2011

What I've Learned from Children's TV

Life lessons come to you through many different vehicles.

The Wonderpets
If someone is in great peril, you don't necessarily need to have a sense of urgency. In fact, why not sing a little bit to pass the time so that the victim can be entertained by their life flashing before their eyes.

If you don't like the words or the plot in a piece of literature, go ahead and just change it. The author won't mind. Catherine and Heathcliff marry and are totally happy. And guess what, Alex Haley-- Kunta Kinte escaped and made his way back to Africa.

The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That
It's okay to go on adventures with weirdos, as long as you tell your mom.

Go, Diego, Go!
Pumas are the douchbags of nature.

Curious George
You don't have to concern yourself with the destruction done by your dependent. Just a "Oops! Sorry!" will do. People will smile and shake their heads, while cleaning up the disaster area left in your dependent's wake.

Clifford the Big Red Dog
Cleaning up Buick-sized dog shit is clearly not a concern for those who have exceptionally large dogs.

Yo Gabba Gabba
Taking LSD is apparently not socially unacceptable anymore. But you still should not bite your friends.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Stuff Your Baby Doesn't Need

Okay, the title of this post really should be "Stuff My Baby Didn't Need," so don't get all defensive.

1. Moses basket
I fantasized about my perfect little angel asleep in a beautiful, wicker Moses basket, trimmed with sage green ribbon and white lace, as I tote her from room to room, cleaning and finishing my graduate thesis.

Reality: the Moses basket was beautiful. And Norah hated it with a passion. And I didn't do any cleaning at all.

2. Changing table/contour cushion 
My house is shaped like a U. If I'm at one end of the U and the baby takes a deuce, I'm probably just going to change her where she's at, stat. So the contoured cushion that sat atop her dresser was used very minimally. A waterproof pad on the floor, bed, or couch did the trick.

3. Real clothes
Newborns can pretty much live in sleepers and onesies. They don't need little jeans or dresses or cashmere cardigans. Granted, you may want to cute them up when visiting coworkers or relatives or whomever, but, really, sleepers. They're just babies. They're not looking for dates.

4. Diaper Genie
Eh. Just throw that stinker into a used Target bag (you'll have a shitload of those), tie it up, and toss it in the garbage.

5. Most toys
Babies do need visual and tactile stimulation. But you can give them Tupperware, a wash rag, and show them the screen saver on your phone and they'll be just as stimulated.

6. Your Baby Can Read
Come on. They've only been on the planet for a few weeks or months. Give them a friggin' break.