Thursday, May 19, 2011

Two Conversations I'd Like to Stop Having

Topic: Getting dressed in the morning
Participants: Norah and Heather
Frequency: Every day

Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: No.
Me: Want to help Mommy pick out your clothes?
N: No.
Me: Okay.
Get clothes.
N: I stay hoooome. Don't wanna goooo!
Me: Come here, Baby. Let's get dressed.
N: No.
Wrestle pjs off.
N: I want naked.
Starts to dance.
Me: You can't go to [Nana's, Grammy's, or school] naked.
Me: No-no, Honey.
N: Whimper
Me: Oh, come on, Sweet Angel, it's okay. Does Mommy leave the house naked?
N: Whimper No.
Me: So, should Norah leave the house naked?
Wrestle clothes on.
N: I don't like this!
Me: But it's your [bumpy heart shirt, parrot shirt, pretty dress, etc]. You like it.
Me: Let's get your shoes on, Monkey Butt.
N: Falls apart. NO SHOES. Tears.
Hugs. Kisses. 
Me: It's okay, Baby. Let Mommy put your shoes on.
Shoes on. 
Norah runs to the door, all smiles.
N: Come on, Momma! Let's go!

Topic: Snoring
Participants: Ryan and Heather
Frequency: Nearly every night

I wake up. 
Gently nudge Ryan.
Me: Ryan.
Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Snaps irritatedly What?!
Me: Could you roll over?
Ryan: Why? Still irritated. 
Me: You're snoring.
Ryan: Oh. Sorry.
Rolls over.
Me: Thanks. 
Ryan: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wondering if there's anything near me to stab him with. 

How I'd like these conversations to go:

Getting Dressed

Me: Noonie! Time to get dressed!
N: Hooray!


Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: I'm already dressed, Mommy. Daddy dressed me.


Me: Noonie, time to get dressed!
N: I'm already dressed, Mommy. Our nanny dressed me and gave me breakfast already. Go back to sleep.


Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Oh, was I snoring again? I'm sorry. I'll roll over.

Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Snaps irritatedly What?!
Me: What the fuck do you think?! It's the same goddamn situation every goddamn night! Stop the damn snoring or I'll cut you.

Me: Ryan!
Ryan: Oh, was I snoring again? Maybe we should take our million dollar lottery winnings and buy a bigger house so that we can have separate bedrooms. I bet you could use a jetted tub in yours.


  1. I totally feel you on the snoring...Here's how it goes in our house:
    Me:HOney, will you roll over so i can snuggle up to you.
    Matt:(rolls over)

    I used to do the stop snoring, roll over. He was also so pissy, I WOKE HIM UP! to tell him to stop snoring.

    I got clever. He thinks I really want to snuggle with him. Not really, I just really want sleep. And it works better than him being pissy in the middle of the night and in the morning being mad cause i woke him up 5 times for snoring. (He says "I can't help it!")

    Good luck

  2. ha. let me know if you try it and it works. I'll suggest it more often to others. I was chatting with my mom last night...and she said she was gonna try that with her fiance the next time her snores and wakes her up (everynight)

  3. Holy holy shit. That is the exact same conversation I have with my husband every freaking night. I thought I was alone in this dark, dark world. And now I see that others suffer from snoring husbands with short-term memory issues...

  4. Except I say "Patrick" instead of "Ryan". Because that's my husband's name. It'd be interesting to start calling him "Ryan" though. Especially in the middle of the night. Could you just imagine? Nudging him and calling him the wrong name... Think that would garner a little more attention at 2 am??