Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Beloved children's characters who should die Part II

Joe: The new Steve from Blue's Clues

Now, I know he's a real person, and I don't want a real person to actually die. But his character can. This is why: First of all, his real name is Donovan. Why call him Joe? It makes no sense. Steve's character's name was Steve. If it needed to be one syllable for some reason, why not Don? Also, when Steve went to college, my daughter cried, and when Joe came to live with Blue, it was never the same, and I heard "Why did Steve go to college?" and a tearful "Am I going to college?" ever day since. Thanks for making college the old "Spot went to live on a farm" tactic. Am I overly invested in this show? Perhaps.

All Wonder Pets

The animation is creepy, the rhyming is atrocious, and I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I can't stand that smug little know-it-all guinea pig, the sass-mouthed duck, and that pussy turtle. What kind of turtle wears water shoes? Come on. And don't get me started on that hat.

Brainy Smurf

I hate Brainy Smurf. Because he's smart? No. Because the only character that seems to be dedicated to knowledge and education, save Papa Smurf, is touted as a huge pain in the ass. He's whiny, tattle-taley, and a total jerkface. I'd throw is blue ass out into the forest, too.

Thomas the Train, and all his little train frenemies 

I know there's a loyal fan base of Thomas, so I probably won't win anyone's hearts with this one, but those trains are completely dysfunctional. They are supposedly friends, but treat each other like shit constantly. Jealousy, snarking, making fun of each other... they never learn. Well, they learn at the end of each episode, but then go back to being douchebags. Sir Topemhat needs to lay down the law. Also, those train whistles are the same frequency as my brain, and when I hear them, my ears bleed.

Share Bear

This is the shittiest Care Bear ever. Her power is shooting lollipops out of her stomach patch. Oh, that'll stop Dark Heart.

Read Beloved children's characters who should die Part 1


  1. cracking me up.

    You didn't even touch DJ lance rock. :-)

  2. Joe's name is Donovan? WHAT THE FUCK?

    Do not, if you can help it, watch Thomas and the Magic Railroad. The girl loved it when she was small and the husband and I had to LEAVE THE ROOM when it was on so we could talk shit about it as loud and as long as it deserved.

    Also, fuck Caillou.

  3. Oh, yay!!

    I come come out of the closet: I have disliked Joe intensely for years. No longer need I hide my true feelings: creeper.

  4. This post pleased me.

    1) Joe doesn't bug me. We just stopped watching any of his version of the show because Lily doesn't identify it as "Blue's Clues" if he's on it.

    2) That duck's adorable in the pilot helmet, but we don't watch that one anyway.

    3) Brainy Smurf is such a little fucking douchecanoe. But they're all little assholes to be honest, and I wish Azriel ate more of them.

    4) Thomas. . . at least the claymation version (i've never seen a cartoon) is a creepy kids program. The trains freak me out a little.

    5) Care bears are ALL awful. All of them. Ridiculous concept.

    6) I want to punch Franklin. Franklin needs to be added to this list. It's probably dated at this point to kill Franklin. I mean, he's probably raising his own little family of asshole turtles. he just never ever does the right thing the first time. Stupid. *punches Franklin*

  5. @Jessica We love that skinny weirdo in our house. :)

    @Suniverse Fuck Caillou, indeed.

    @The Empress His jaw line is also way too defined.

    @Jim LOL at #3. Who is Franklin? Don't make me Google.

  6. All you people need help!!!