Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I Dislike this Cat

So, it's been about six weeks since we got the frickin' cat. (No, autocorrect, I did not mean "friction." Stop trying to tell me what to type.) And I dislike it.

This probably isn't shocking to some people, but it's actually a little shocking to me. I love animals. I've had pets before and loved them like tiny, furry children. One cat had diabetes, and we gave him insulin shots twice a day for four years. I used to volunteer at the Humane Society. We catch and release spiders. I'm even a vegetarian (I know, I know. But I'm not a jerk about it.)

But this cat is an asshole.

1. He is obsessed with paper towels and toilet paper. Shreds an entire roll in one minute.

2. He awakes at 5 am. And he yowls and fiddles with noisy things, like mini blinds and Norah's toys. He even turned the Shopvac on at 5:30 am once.

3. He's incredibly needy. He has to be touching someone constantly. That person is always me.

4. He attacks for no reason.

5. He begs for people food.

6. He knocks shit over all the time. Anything that can fall to the floor, will eventually end up being on the floor.

7. He farts. And I swear I've heard him belch.

8. He has a death wish. He's jumped in the dryer, the microwave, and has tried to steal Ryan's Chipotle steak burrito.

9. He, like the honey badger, doesn't give a shit. You can squirt him with a water bottle, clap your hands, yell, shove him (Norah: "We don't push!"), pick him up and move him to the other side of the house. Honey badger don't care. He'll come back and keep doing the annoying/destructive thing you want him to stop doing.

10. You can't even walk a few steps without him trying to topple you. He'll bob and weave through your legs and step on your feet.

We took him to the vet, and asked about these two lumps under his skin. Ryan thought he was given two microchips. Nope. One's a BB. Most people would say, "Aw! Poor kitty!" I say, "Hmm. I can totally see shooting him."

This is coming from me, whom at one point relentlessly mocked my friend, Sara, for wanting to get rid of her two cats once her first child was born. "How could you think of such a thing?" I'd ask. Now her plan of overfeeding them in order to shorten their lifespan seems reasonable, if not genius.

So why is he still allowed here?

Stuck like glue

They're best friends.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Guest Post

An awesomely funny blogger from Yeah. Good Times featured one of my cartoons today! Check it out here:

It's Story Time: The Tortoise and the Hare

Thanks, Jillsmo!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thank you!

A fellow bloggist (Daily Dose of Dahl) honored me with an award! Hot damn!

I understand the Liebster is meant for newer blogs with fewer than 200 followers. Its intent is to give exposure to interesting up and coming bloggers, and there are rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

MY FIVE BLOG PICKS, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (Disclaimer: I don't know if these blogs are "new," since that is a fairly relative term, but I picked ones with under 200 followers, according to my admittedly weak research):

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Things I Say and Things a Toddler Listens To

Wash your hands. Backs, too. Brush your teeth. Your way-backs, too. Don't forget to say thank you. What are your magic words? You are funny. It's important to say you're sorry if you hurt someone. Eat your dinner. We don't eat floor food. No. Five more minutes. Because that's the way it is. Don't pull the cat's tail. Hug your grandma. Keep your socks on. Keep your hat on. Say bless you. Be careful! Don't jump off the couch. We don't spit. Please eat more dinner. Get that out of your mouth. That's Mama's juice. You are smart. It's bath time! Washing your hair is a big part of bath time. You're so silly. Parking lot rules! Say excuse me. Tell Papa you love him. Don't touch the computer screen. Use your inside voice. Don't run with that sucker in your mouth! Nuks are for nighttime. Please be careful! Wave goodbye to Daddy. No fingers in your cup. Cats don't like stickers. Put your blocks away. You can do it! Tell Mama if you have to go potty. How do you ask nicely? It's good to share with your friends. Good job! I love you! You'll have to ask Santa. Go to sleep. Stop! What do you say when you meet someone new? Play nice! Let's settle down. Try again. You can't have a cookie unless you eat more dinner. Wait your turn. Use your patience. Holy shitballs-- spider! Don't jump in the tub. I missed you today! Listen to your auntie. We are lucky. Be thankful. Pick out some books. You are beautiful. Get your hand away from the cat's butt. Cover your cough. Use a tissue, not your hand. Don't throw things at the driver. Use your words. It's okay. Mama loves you. No. Try to play by yourself for a few minutes. Play with Daddy. What do you say? Stay with Mama. You have to wear clothes before you go outside. Go potty before we leave. Just please eat a few more bites. You've got to cover your cough! No thank you. Say goodbye. Mama loves you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Few of Her Favorite Things

I was at the office the other day when a co-worker asked me if I'm taking lots of videos of Norah. He told me he's so happy he did, and how his family loves looking at the videos just to see how much their children have grown. I can't stop thinking about that.

I do take some video, and a ton of photos. And this blog is meant to be a chronicle of her life as well. But I was thinking of making Norah a Favorites List.

How cool would it be to look at your own Favorites List from when you were a kid? Granted, I don't remember anything from age 2, but if I were to look back on some imaginary list from my childhood, I'd probably laugh at what I thought were the greatest things on earth.

Me as a Kid

Favorite movie: Annie, Goonies
Favorite song: "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite books: Goodnight Moon, Little Women
Favorite stuffed animal: Princess the dolphin and Snoopy
Favorite food: Fun Dip
Favorite shows: Scooby Do, Thunder Cats 

Ryan says he doesn't remember that stuff. I was going to ask his mom what his favorites were, but she'd give me some bullshit answers (Oh, he was really into Dussek and String Theory documentaries.) when in reality, he probably liked He-Man and Bubble Tape just like the rest of us.

Anyway, here are some of Norah's favorites:

Movies: Ponyo, Wall-E
Shows: Scooby Do, Blue's Clues, Dora
Songs: "Twinkle Twinkle," "Stuck Like Glue," "A Dream is a Wish"
Books: Pajama Time, What Do Smurfs Do All Day, Terrible Kangaroos
Toys: Tow truck, balls (which she pretends are eggs or babies and puts them in Mongo's bed as a nest. She named them House, Kitty Ear, and Cogee.), kitchen.
Games: Pretend, Don't Break the Ice, Go Fish
Stuffed animals: Bear Bear
Food: Noodles and peas.
Spirit animal (yeah, I asked): Unicorn
Adventure: Visiting farms
App: Blue Birds (aka, Angry Birds)
Blanket: Yo Gabba Gabba
Doll: Go Go

What are some of your kids' favorites, or your favorites as a kid?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Santa has no business trick-or-treating

Norah had her first neighborhood trick-or-treating experience. It went really well, despite a rough start.

She had been grumpy all day. The grumpiness compounded when The Stupid Fucking Cat attacked her like a starving puma and went for her jugular. While I was at the office (actual office, not my home cave), and didn't see the attack, Ryan recounted that TSFC was torn from Norah and chucked across the room, which made Norah even more hysterical. Luckily, the bite wasn't really that bad-- it just scared the hell out of her. He'd never attacked her before. (I guess they're best friends again, however.)

So I got home and made dinner. Scratch that. Ryan made dinner first. Norah was tired of being with Ryan all day, I guess, and shunned him and his dinner. Granted, his dinner was oatmeal, but still. He sat on the couch like a defeated lump and Norah howled, "I want my Mommy."

I couldn't see letting her trick-or-treat without eating any dinner, so I made backup dinner. Bow-tie pasta. She'd never had it before. Brilliant move, Heather.

"I don't like that."
"Eat it."
"I don't like that."
"Eat it."
"I don't like that."
"Eat it."

I started my persuasive tactics, telling her we couldn't go trick-or-treating until we eat at least some of our dinner. She said she didn't want to go trick-or-treating.

"Don't you want to wear your Scooby costume?"

Shit. After all this build-up? The constant Halloween discussions? The excitement? The preparation? The costume decisions? The photo ops?? Hell no. We were going, and we were going to like it.

I sat right next to her and loaded a spoon of pasta and corn and chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-ed it to her mouth. Some might say I force-fed my child. Others would call it the Yum-Yum Choo-Choo. Whatevs. It worked.

She went potty and I tried to shove her into her costume. She went all dead-weight on me. She was sprawled half on my lap and half on the floor, not one muscle flexed. She was like a giant slab of meat. I crammed her rag doll limbs in the sleeves and legs of Scooby.

"Let's go!" she cheerfully regained control of her body and trotted to the door.

Okay. Of course, I did what I swore never to do as a child-- I put a warm coat over her costume. Luckily, she didn't seem to mind.

We started walking. Norah was dancing and walking and singing, which lightened our moods, too. The first house that was lit up had people costumed and sitting on the porch. Santa and a fairy or butterfly dressed in black. Norah froze.

"Look, honey! They have candy for you. Let's go trick-or-treat!" I encouraged.

Santa called to us, "Come on over!"

Norah hid behind Ryan's legs.

I awkwardly laughed and called back, "She's new at this!"

The black fairy trotted over to us and handed Norah some candy. She smiled a little and whispered "Thank you."

I waved to Santa and we kept walking.

"I don't like Santa," Norah said, after we were a safe distance.

"But he brings us Christmas gifts!" Ryan said.

"I don't like him!" She practically screamed. Okay. Sheesh.

After that, the rest of the evening went really well. She knocked on doors, said trick-or-treat, only needed a few "What do you say?" prompts upon receiving candy, and she had a blast. Ryan and I did, too. She loved the other kids roaming around. She'd announce herself by yelling, "Scooby dooby do!" And if a house had decorations, she'd let the other trick-or-treaters know that "It's not so scary after all," which is a line from her favorite Halloween book at Nana's.

We went to the Halloween Street, which was a few houses that banded together to decorate really elaborately. We had already walked by it a number of times before Halloween to make sure Norah wasn't scared of it. She bravely walked by, waved to the mummy, and laughed at the silly skeleton.

Oh, but of course they had an added effect. A real person in a cage that jumps out at you. I saw the real person ahead. Please notice her age, please notice her age, please notice her age, I silently begged. No such luck.


Norah froze in fear again. Went behind Ryan's legs again.

"It's okay, Baby," I said, crouching down to her. "It's just pretend!"

The monster realized he was a dickhead and lifted his mask. "Happy Halloween! Go inside and get some candy!"

"I need up." Ryan lifted her up and held her tight.

After we walked away, she asked who was naughty to him. She though someone had trapped him in the cage. She's asked me this now 20 times a day since. At least she's forgotten about the stupid space alien.

After we canvassed the neighborhood, we drove to the grandparents. Norah didn't really want any candy from Papa, though, just stories. So he read her a few books, then we stopped by Ryan's mom's, and then we finally went home and passed out.

Not so scary after all.