I Dislike this Cat

So, it's been about six weeks since we got the frickin' cat. (No, autocorrect, I did not mean "friction." Stop trying to tell me what to type.) And I dislike it.

This probably isn't shocking to some people, but it's actually a little shocking to me. I love animals. I've had pets before and loved them like tiny, furry children. One cat had diabetes, and we gave him insulin shots twice a day for four years. I used to volunteer at the Humane Society. We catch and release spiders. I'm even a vegetarian (I know, I know. But I'm not a jerk about it.)

But this cat is an asshole.

1. He is obsessed with paper towels and toilet paper. Shreds an entire roll in one minute.

2. He awakes at 5 am. And he yowls and fiddles with noisy things, like mini blinds and Norah's toys. He even turned the Shopvac on at 5:30 am once.

3. He's incredibly needy. He has to be touching someone constantly. That person is always me.

4. He attacks for no reason.

5. He begs for people food.

6. He knocks shit over all the time. Anything that can fall to the floor, will eventually end up being on the floor.

7. He farts. And I swear I've heard him belch.

8. He has a death wish. He's jumped in the dryer, the microwave, and has tried to steal Ryan's Chipotle steak burrito.

9. He, like the honey badger, doesn't give a shit. You can squirt him with a water bottle, clap your hands, yell, shove him (Norah: "We don't push!"), pick him up and move him to the other side of the house. Honey badger don't care. He'll come back and keep doing the annoying/destructive thing you want him to stop doing.

10. You can't even walk a few steps without him trying to topple you. He'll bob and weave through your legs and step on your feet.

We took him to the vet, and asked about these two lumps under his skin. Ryan thought he was given two microchips. Nope. One's a BB. Most people would say, "Aw! Poor kitty!" I say, "Hmm. I can totally see shooting him."

This is coming from me, whom at one point relentlessly mocked my friend, Sara, for wanting to get rid of her two cats once her first child was born. "How could you think of such a thing?" I'd ask. Now her plan of overfeeding them in order to shorten their lifespan seems reasonable, if not genius.

So why is he still allowed here?

Stuck like glue

They're best friends.