"Noonie, is it bath time?"
"No. NO BATH."
"NO SPISH PASH."
Sigh. "Do you want to get naked?"
She happily lets me take off her clothes and we go into the bathroom, where the tub is already filled with water, and her toys are all lined up on the edge of the tub. Then she pushes each one in the tub, laughing and screaming, "Whee!"
"I go in tub. Diaper off."
"Okay, honey... okay, count for me!"
"One, two, fwee, four!"
I lift her into the tub and she giggles. I start wetting her hair down with a wet washcloth.
"NO, MOMMY. Hold dis." She gives me a toy. Then her toy and my toy have a conversation (sort of) about taking turns jumping off the side of the tub into the water. Her toy wants to go first and won't let other toy have a turn. I try to make it a teachable moment, and she makes a sound that makes me dread the day she learns how to roll her eyes.
I try to wash her hair.
"NO, MOMMY. Hold dis." She gives me her ducky and takes her purple octopus, which is like a little cup with holes in it. She fills it up and lets the water come out like a tiny shower. Now I am to put Ducky under it.
"Rain, rain!" she screeches.
"Oh, no! I need an umbrella!"
She puts a little red cup over Ducky's head and laughs hysterically.
This little skit repeats for a minimum of ten times.
I try to wash her.
"NO, MOMMY. Hold dis." She hands me a seahorse and she holds a blue whale. Blue Whale squirts Seahorse.
"Oh, no! Blue Whale squirted me! You are so naughty, Blue Whale!"
She laughs hysterically and tries to fill up the whale with water, unsuccessfully.
"Mommy, you do it."
I fill up the whale and the little skit repeats about ten times or so.
Now it's time to rinse. At this point I have semi-successfully fit in washing hair and body. I stand up.
"It's time to rinse!"
I turn on the faucet and take down the shower head. Then I push the plunger and the shower head springs to life.
"Who's turn is it?" It makes her feel better to throw one of her toys under the bus first.
Ducky gets rinsed.
"Now who's turn?"
Turtle gets rinsed.
"Now it's Noonie's turn!"
The torture of hair-rinsing ensues, and I pull the tub plug. Norah starts desperately flinging her toys out of the tub, soaking me and the rug. I think she thinks they're going to get sucked down. After her "fwiends" are safe, she stands and says, "Noonie."
I lift her up and she shivers. I put the big towel around her and she turns to the drain, making sucking noises.
This is a minimum of 30 minutes. If we add bath paint or bath crayons, it's easily 45, and somewhere in between we have to add more warm water.
But I love it!