Here are the fantasy responses to recent conversations.
Ryan: Aren't you going to help put the groceries away?
Me: No, goddamn it. I work from home, yes, but I'm WORKING. Also, you need more day shifts because having you at home in the mornings is annoying and is making me stabby.
Norah: I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!
Me: Then get a job and go buy some.
Norah (pushing her kid-grocery cart at the store): I'm driving!
Woman (visibly annoyed): I see that.
Me: You don't know how fortunate you are to even gaze upon my perfect little angel, Jerkface. Now get out of her way.
Neighbor Girl (for the third time in one day): Can Norah come out and play?
Me: Good lord, kid. You are so lonely and you need attention. Your parents fucking suck.
Norah: Terrible Kangaroos, please!
Me: I think I'm going to hunt down the author of this book and punch him in the face.